Introduction

1. In the tradition of Zen King, who wrote the field guide to single mothers, I’ve decided to put down a tried-and-true way of getting snatch from desperate internet hoez. Part 1 will cover theoretical differences between cyberspace and meatspace pickup. Part 2 will outline some general tactics that are currently proving successful.

Acknowledgements

2. It should be noted, right at the outset, that most of this information did not originate with me. AfOR was a huge influence on me in my misspent youth. He is gone now, and while he used to have a post that somewhat resembles what this one might become, I don’t know where it is today, and moreover, it was written circa 2008 or some shit. The hominid mating-dance is a dynamic system. New tricks and tactics constantly evolve, and these pointers may be obsolete months hence, for all the same reasons.

Meatspace versus Online Dating

3. While I could go into detail, Roosh V. and Heartiste have already done so better than I could. The basics are as follows:

4. Internet dating has one, and only one, advantage over meeting wimminz in meatspace. That is quantity. You will meet a few HB 7-9.999… wimminz online, and they are more dangerous than the 3-6 wimminz who are your targets.

Hotties are Undesirable. Here’s Why…

5. Extremely attractive’ wimminz are safely assumed to be using fake/outdated/altered photos. If this isn’t the case, then they’re safely assumed to be so riddled with peripheral problems (Herpes, AIDS, kids by different fathers, married-and-cheating) that you won’t want to go near them.

6. Objectively attractive wimminz do not go online for sex, because they do not need to.

Don’t Become an Addict

7. Internet dating should never be allowed to become your primary sexual outlet. A great number of internet playaz will scoff at wimminz for becoming addicted to the hormones and adrenaline and attention and easy sex available on the internet, while lying (to other men, and to themselves) about the lure of this to the brothers.

8. I have seen men slip into a profound lethargy after becoming successful with online dating, and in every case, these men immediately start slouching into the male equivalent of the tattooed skank, with kids by different fathers, who lives online. Talking to wimminz in meatspace has benefits, and the most obvious is the fact that one has to keep fit, and remain pleasant in demeanor and appearance to pull this off. The online dating site is the contemporary equivalent of yesterday’s whorehouse, out on the prairie. Your grandfather visited that place occasionally and discreetly. He didn’t live there. By the same token, PoF/Tinder/etc. is a backup plan, not a way-of-life.

Ring-Worthy Women Don’t Use Tinder

9. If you assume that you will use online dating to meet a quality woman, you must quit reading this article, and go to a professional psychoanalyst. Such a grievous misconception is rooted in a severely distorted phenomenology, and it will likely be dangerous for you to continue doing anything without professional guidance.

10. Decent women do not get online for relationships. Mediocre and ugly wimminz get online for sex. This field guide takes that as the first axiom, and intends to show you how to effectively use online dating to supplement your existing rotation, in the most efficient way possible.

11. The author of this article is a heterosexual male, and these tactics will likely not work for people who don’t share both of those two qualities. While I usually discourage random female commenters, if you are female or a gay man, and you have observations of your own, I would welcome your polite comments about the differences and similarities. You may also submit a guest article for review, and so long as it’s not a complete piece of shit, I will probably publish it. See the sidebar for details.

General Online Dating Tactics

12. I have profiles up on a number of different sites, and the same tactics work equally well on PlentyOfRottenTuna, OKStupid, SnatchDotCom, Tinder, Stumble, etc. Wimminz are wimminz, and all the sites have similar layouts.

13. Open up an account with a cryptic sounding username. Inducing confusion in wimminz is the first step toward getting laid. Obviously, also, you should never use any variation of your legal name on one of these dumb sites.

14. Put two to four photos of yourself up on your profile. No more, and no less.

15. The first of the photos should be a semi-profile, and illustrate you working in your trade. Doesn’t matter whether you’re a welder or accountant, have one of your mates snap some shots of you while you’re busy. This should be the photo a bitch sees immediately when she hits your page.

16. The second photo should be a full on face-and-chest photo with you cleaned up and looking presentable, but casual. Don’t be hiring a professional, and don’t alter this either. Don’t make it an obvious “selfie.” If your brother has a quality camera, have him take a photo of you when you’re out someplace having fun.

17. The optional third photo will show you with a dog, cat or some other sort of  domestic animal. If you don’t have a pet, take a photo with a friend’s pet. Bitches like pets.

18. The optional fourth photo will show you in some faraway locale. I live now in a humid, tropical part of the U.S., where it never freezes. I always use ski trip photos from Whistler. If the site you’re on allows captions, I never put the actual place. I title it something like “where I come from.” Bitches like exotic men, and they’ll excuse their approach by being curious as to where you’re from.

Enforce Your Own ‘Fitness Tests’

19. The moment your profile goes live, the messages will likely pour in. You will almost immediately get dozens (if not hundreds) of messages from thirsty skanks. There are two general types of wimminz that I block immediately.

20. The first type is the huge, fat human-walrus hybrids, the bitches with neon-colored hair, the disgustingly ugly skanks, and the skanks with tons of skanky tatts and weird piercings. You will have your own limits, which may differ from mine, but you should know what they are and stick to them.

21. The second type is the married-and-cheating bitch. Delete these cunts with extreme prejudice, as life is too short to get pulled into some poor schlub’s divorce.

“All Wimminz Lie, All The Time” -AfOR

22. Get it through your head that these wimminz are, first and foremost, liars. They have no conscience. You are merely a walking dildo with American Express attached, and they will say and do anything to get access to your money, dick and attention – in that order.

23. If a wimminz mentions a “roommate” or if she tells you, in passing, that she is “staying with the ex,” then assume she is married to said roommate, and eject immediately. If you are on Tinder, and the slut tells you she’s visiting from out of town, then eject immediately. Tinder is location based via GPS, and wimminz who are “visiting” from out of town have come to play where locals can see them, but their lawful husband can not.

24. If a bitch has photos which are obviously 5+ years old, then assume she is x≥30 kg more massive and dog ugly also, and block her. If she was single and available, she’d live alone; and, if she looked passable now, she’d put a current photo up.

Work The System

25. As mentioned in para 19, once your profile goes live, you will get an avalanche of messages. This is the result of dating site’s algorithm, which puts new profiles up on the front page. The dating site does this to mess with your head. Try not to let it effect your psychological state.

26. Of the hundred messages that flood your inbox, about 50% will be immediately disqualified for being fat, obviously fucking around on a husband, or not meeting another one of your own personal standards.

27. Of the 50% who remain, about 50% of those will disqualify themselves through some obvious character flaws. If a bitch trash talks her ex, if she makes vulgar hand gestures in photos, etc., go ahead and block that whore.

28. Note that wimminz will often divulge their flaws up-front, but they will do so in a dishonest or subtle way, characterized as a joke or a gag. Wimminz lie better than you or I ever will, and the clever ones will tell the truth in such a way as to induce deniability.

29. Of the 25% who remain undeleted, you have the makings of a harem. On an average day, in my town, there will be 20-30 prospects in this pile. New applicants will appear for several hours, as the site promotes you.

30. If you are on PoF, you should “hide” (not delete) your profile, in 24 hours. PoF plays a game with its male users, by getting them “hooked” on the female attention with the first flood of messages, and then making its users pay for promotion later. The way you game their system is to hide your profile for about a week, and then “unhide” the profile, at which point their system will again promote you, for free.

Don’t Be Needy

31. Each of your prospects should receive a polite but noncommittal response. Make these sluts work for your attention.

32. Telling a woman “bitch let’s fuck” does not work. All wimminz lie, all the time; and bitches lie to themselves most frequently. While “bitch let’s fuck” is exactly what you mean, when you interact with any bitch on the dating site, and while the slut knows that’s what you mean, she can’t hack the dent in her ego that results from an open declaration that you know she knows what you mean.

33. Finding sex via the internet may be legal, and it may be socially acceptable, it is still prostitution. You will end up paying for sex, one way or another, and the way you pay for sex on the internet is with your time. Your goal, therefore, is to get the best possible “bang” for your buck.

Don’t Get Upset

34. Never bother insulting a slut. Doing so suggests you care what they say or think, and this is a grievous mistake.

35. Remember that while your primary goal is to have sex, your secondary goal is to impress upon any bitch the reality of her situation. You must lessen that bitch’s expectations, and you must keep her jumping through your own hoops for as long as possible, that she doesn’t have the opportunity to exploit a less experienced brother.

36. Do not divulge your precise place of employment to a bitch. Ever. She might be able to find it online. Don’t confirm it if she asks. Give her nothing more than the general part-of-town or neighborhood where your home is located.

37. Before your fourth message you will ideally demand an in-person meeting. Of your current potential clients, about half of these women will refuse or ghost out. This is fine – block/delete and move on.

38. Never feel guilty about blocking/deleting a slut. You have your own “shit tests,” and if they fail, it’s their problem.

Spend No More Than Ten Dollars

39. Meet either at a coffee house or at a cheap restaurant. Your goal in meeting is twofold: to see if their actual appearance meets your standards (it will differ from the posted photos, every single time, but some of them will still be bangable,) and to smoke out if they have behavior or psychological problems.

40. When meeting the slut you may spend no more than ten American dollars, and you should only spend that much if more time is needed to screen the potential client. Buying them a coffee or a taco will accomplish this.

41. The moment a bitch pulls an attitude, the moment she is rude to the wait staff, the moment she trash-talks any family member or her ex-boyfriend, the moment she displays an attitude of entitlement, the moment she confesses to an STD or a prescription for psychiatric medication, you get up and tell the slut you have to go to the men’s room, then scoot on out the door. Leave her with the bill if possible.

42. If the bitch is two minutes late, go ahead and scoot out the door. Your time is valuable. Five minutes early is on time. One minute late is barely acceptable. Two is not.

43. Repeat regularly. Every week, “unhide” your profiles and let the new fish swim into your net. Screen them as rigorously as before.

44. Be aware of trannies and crossdressers.

The Structure of Your Stable

45. The third tier of your stable will consist of potentials. There should ideally be at least ten of these. These are all the wimminz who are in a holding pattern, who you have yet to meet, but who have also met your standards to be worthy of a meet.

46. The second tier of your stable will consist of better quality online conquests who you have already met and fucked, and who are down to be fucked at your convenience. There should be five or six of these wimminz available, for those nights when the tier one girls are occupied riding Chad’s cock.

47. Your stable should always consist of three to four high quality wimminz. These will almost always be “day game” conquests in the 6-8 range. This is tier one, and it is almost never justifiable to move a bitch from lower tiers into tier one. If you do this, you’re being lazy.

48. Every single wimminz in every tier will eventually attempt to manipulate or cajole you into a “commitment.” That commitment will be one-sided, and thus is not a commitment at all. Every single wimminz wants multiple cocks and wallets, and she wants them all to herself, with no competition. Once you commit, you take a seat next to several other schlubs, all of whom are in the same position.

Reject Ultimata

49. In the event of an ultimatum, politely decline her generous offer to be one of her exclusive servants. An ultimatum can arise at any time, and with better looking sluts, it often arises sooner than later. The bitch will often throw a fit. Let her do so, and enjoy the entertainment.

50. Two to six months later, this tier one slut will likely reappear, with a message reading “I miss you,” or some such. I may let her re-enter orbit, provided she is sufficiently humbled, but…

51. Prior rejections never re-enter in their earlier tier. A tier one bitch who gets dumped is only allowed tier two status, from that day forward. A tier two slut who gets dumped, is gone for good.

Worry About Yourself. No One Else Is Gonna

52. Always wear a condom. No exceptions.

53. Never believe anything that you hear, whether it be “you’re an asshole and I deserve so much better than you,” or whether it be “Oh Boxer your cock is so big and you’re so wonderful you’re just the best man in da world.” Remember AfOR’s first Axiom:

54. All wimminz lie, all the time.

55. If it quits being fun, quit doing it. Re-emerge when you’re ready, and not before.

Over on my favorite Christian blog, skank-ho Sheila Gregoire announces that our critique of her “work” has driven her into despair.

In order to get her revenge on mean ol’ Boxer and the boys, she has decamped to Kenya, in a lame attempt to wreck that unfortunate nation.

Sheila is now “helping” Kenyans, not by humbly volunteering her labor power, but by teaching Kenyan women and girls about sodomy, radical feminism, immodesty and hubris.

In the first place, Sheila’s credentials are questionable. It is true she has a graduate degree, but her training had nothing to do with medicine or biology. Thus, she has no authority to teach anyone about sex, which is her stated intention.

I have known a great number of Kenyans in my life, and they’ve all been wonderful, bright people. One of the best qualities of the people of Kenya is the tight extended family structure that still exists there. The wholesome fabric of the Kenyan family is anchored in the lives of Kenyan mothers and grandmothers, who are modest, patriarchal, and respectful. This is a universal aspect of East African life, and it seems to transcend religion, being found in Christians, Muslims, Atheists and others. Kenyans should be extremely proud of their sensible females, and should work to keep their traditional customs intact.

By the same measure, the horrible dysfunction endemic to Canada should be seen as a grave threat to any society, and no sensible government official, with a knowledge of the facts, would permit foreigners to enter his country for the purposes of subverting the people’s way of life. Allowing this unqualified woman to influence the next generation of Kenyans is a very serious mistake.

My Kenyan friends who would like to express their reasonable concern about this “loud and proud” Canadian feminist, who has entered their country to teach impressionable children about sex, should contact:

The Minister of The Interior | Reliance Center | Third Floor | Nairobi

A respectful letter alerting your government officials about this woman will go a long way toward keeping your children and society whole.

Those of us outside Kenya might pen a quick letter to:

His Excellency John Lepi Lanyasunya | Kenya High Commission to Canada and Cuba | 415 Laurier Ave East | Ottawa K1N 6R4

As a Canadian, I apologize for the damage this malicious meddler is attempting to do to your society. Remember that she does not represent our country, and that all sensible people in North America stand with you in the struggle to maintain a high level of civilized life.

Ee Mungu nguvu yetu
Ilete baraka kwetu
Haki iwe ngao na mlinzi
Natukae na undugu
Amani na uhuru
Raha tupate na ustawi

Daniel, the poor fucker in the photo, seeks a divorce from his skank-ho wife, Waiki. Apparently skanky princess has so many exes he can’t keep track of them. No doubt she still fucks them all behind Daniel’s back, and gives them his money, and otherwise disrespects the decent man who made her a wife, in favor of the cads who treat her like the whore that she is.

A trip to your local so-called “family” courts will convince you that Daniel is not in the least bit unique. There are tens of thousands of men like Daniel, all across North America, and with very few exceptions, they all meet the same fate.

The faggot judge will shortly give Waiki the kids, the car, the house, all the furnishings, except for Daniel’s shaving kit and drawers. The judge gives Daniel a few parting gifts also. These include a bill for lifetime alimony, child support, and two-thirds of his pension.

If you compare Daniel’s expression, as he is sweating under the hot lights, with the guy behind him, who clearly finds the whole spectacle entertaining, you see the contemporary dichotomy in one frame. The next thing you should do is to ask yourself which of these men you would rather be.

Would you like to be in Daniel’s shoes? Or would you like to be laughing in the audience, as Daniel is sentenced to a lifetime of servitude. If this is the penalty for being a stand-up, civilization-bearing guy, who “did the right thing,” then I know which choice I’d rather make.

The greatest thing feminists ever did was to strip away the gilded veneer of decency from the average wimminz, and allow all of us normal men to see the skanks as they truly are.

Comments about this evil shitbag, and his destructive policies…

In this hilarious lecture, a wizened old fruitbat blames pr0n for the stunning unattractiveness of North American females.

This sister gets closer to the reality of the situation; but, she still misses the mark. It’s difficult to risk the horrifying consequences of marriage, and much easier just to bang hoez.

And, again, there are exceptions which prove this rule. If you’re hanging with a cool female, I will congratulate you for it. The reality is that the wimminz outnumber the women in our society by an astronomical margin, and I haven’t a clue as to how to tell the difference between the two.

No, not herpes. I mean twitter. Here’s more of the story of everyone’s favorite blushing bride, who we met last week, thanks to our favorite antifeminist social media network.

Go back and read that shit, if you didn’t get it the first time, then sit back as her own cousin flames her on facebook.

Apparently, the entitled cunt’s name is Susan. Hopefully she’s “finding herself” on her South American fucking hiking trip, right now. I’d hate to imagine the cringe of her coming to her senses and reading some of this shit in real-time.

Remember, boys: If you object to this sort of behavior, it’s because you’re a pathetic Peter Pan slacker. A “real man” would have done what it took to get her that Aruba wedding.

This weekend we met the Smith family, and we witnessed the consequences of trusting a single mother. Let’s see if we can deconstruct Jenny’s story, in order to fully grasp all the important points, from the perspective of the man in such a relationship.

Down in the comments, Jew613 brings up a most important point, which I would have missed. He writes:

The guy was made into a fool, so he wants a clean break, maybe its not the kindest decision in the world but its perfectly understandable. Plus if he is truly bipolar then he was really taken advantage of, people with that condition tend to make extreme and rash decisions. Cutting off Susie is probably just another one of those.

In the first place, I share Brother Jew’s sentiments. If you are in an untenable situation, and you find it necessary to sever ties with one or more of your children, I won’t fault you for it.

Why, Boxer? Here are a few of the factors that lead me to this conclusion:

• Tablet IV, of the ancient patriarchal Roman laws, provide for the absolute right of a father to take a child in adoption, and likewise the absolute right of a father to disinherit a child, whether adoptive or natural. This concept was called paterfamilias – and it desperately needs to be revived.
• Contemporary precedent, set by men like AfOR, who justified his own decision in detail, too many times to count.
• The present legal structure, which allows for a man’s children to be held hostage by the feminist state, at the whim of ex-wives, social workers, or faggot divorce-court judges. If your children were “yours” to begin with, none of this nonsense would be possible.
• The ease of life at present. It is currently impossible for a child to starve in any western country. If anything, children today are too well-fed, and many die early due to diabetes, heart failure, and general overeating combined with zero exercise.

There are other reasons, but these are a few.

Earl writes:

Sounds like he’s back to being the alpha male of some slut’s dreams.

Brother Earl has taken a machete to the text-jungle with this sentence. In my opinion, the climax of Jenny’s dumb tale was her reference to her husband’s affair of three years, with a woman I’ve never heard of, who we called Janice.

No doubt Janice is the “younger, hotter, tighter,” which often swoops in, all buzzard-like, to feast on the dying corpse of a collapsed marriage. If Old Joe Smith had the self-awareness to learn from his mistakes, he’d fight for his freedom, but he’s given over to one bitch already. It’s no surprise that he’s repeating all his same mistakes.

Recall that Jenny wrote, about her husband:

its a control thing… he can’t control me anymore so he is doing this…

This is nothing, if not displacement. Joe lost control the minute he walked down the aisle. It is actually Jenny, who has lost control of her slave. The punk bitch who paid her bills for the last decade is now (at least partly) free to take Janice out to dinner. This drives the bitch so crazy that she has to send unsolicited texts, pages and pages long, to strangers at 01:30 her time, bitching and moaning.

And now, for what is arguably the most important point, Sharkly writes:

…all the relatives seem to be taking sides and weighing in with the mom and child, like that does any good, after the fact. It seems that the grandparents are the only ones that sound like they’re doing the right things for the child. What a mess!

When my own mother kidnapped my sister and I, and took us, illegally, across an international border, without my father’s permission or knowledge, she did so with financial and moral support from my own father’s parents.

If you are married to a treacherous bitch, learn this lesson well. Your parents, your siblings, your aunties and uncles, will all generally side with your skank-ho wife. You will have no one in your corner.

They will do this, for no other reason than the absolute primacy that wimminz wield in the divorce courts. Your parents will want to continue to see their grandchildren, and they will stay in the good graces of your skank-ho ex-wife to do so. That is what the law requires, and that is exactly what they will do.

And now, for the postscript, which was broadcast directly to Casa Boxer, only hours ago…

Jenny’s husband came by, and she called the police on him. That much I believe. Whether the rest is true, or not, is beyond my ken. I lean toward it being a setup, if only because the RCMP is generally eager to book any suspected husband for even the slightest insult to his wife. Either way, he continues to pay the price for his goodness, love, kindness and decency.

Let this be a lesson to us all.

We will remember John McCain for a number of incredible, real-world achievements. Many people are not familiar with some of these amazing accomplishments, so in the interest of history, I’ll record a few of them here.

The first thing we’ll review is John McCain’s recklessness as a pilot, which is reported to have resulted in over 100 young men burning to death. Here’s an excerpt from Lew Rockwell…

McCain, when a Lieutenant Commander in the U.S. Navy was a Navy pilot (they call themselves aviators). July 29, 1967 while on the deck and in his plane on the carrier U.S.S. Forrestal he managed to screw up procedures (officially denied and covered up by him and the Navy and also even promoted on Wikipedia if you care to look–reason to follow). He did a smart ass punk attention getting trick by doing a “wet start” up of his jet.

When a pilot wants to be a wise ass or show off, this type of engine start creates a large startling flame and lots of surprise noise from the rear of a jet engine on start up–this was no accident. This and the large subsequent electrical surge and apparent (incorrect and against policy) weapon arming (by the pilot) caused the launching of a powerful Zuni rocket across the carrier’s deck hitting other parked planes (photo below) that were packing 1,000 high-explosive pound bombs. The subsequent massive explosions, fire and destruction went several decks below and nearly sunk this major 82,000 ton U.S. aircraft carrier.

This stunt and aftermath caused the death of 134 sailors and seriously injured (blew off arms and legs, caused blindness and burns) to another 161 sailors McCain took the ship off the battle line for extensive repairs. Any other Navy pilot causing this type of death and destruction the Navy would have raped him and he would probably still be in the brig. Why not McCain? Well, first with many powerful connections this “little infraction” was covered up by the Navy (our most politically involved/connected service by the way).

You see his grandfather was a famous FOUR STAR Navy admiral and his dad was at the time of the incident was a powerful Navy FOUR STAR admiral and McCain graduated from the Navy Academy. So the old boy Navy tradition cover his ass network went into high gear immediately; and make no mistake, it does exist and it did for him.

(Lew Rockwell)

An ordinary pilot who fucked up this hard would have spent many years in a labor camp. McCain was related to several bigshots in the bureaucracy, and corruption is his family tradition…

No worries, right? It was “a joke.”

Less than two years later, McCain destroyed another plane, ditching it in North Vietnam, where he was rescued by enemy combatants. His eagerness to cooperate with his captors earned him first-class rations and a funny nickname. Can you guess what he was called by the NVA?

(Military Corruption)

If you want to hear this traitor praise his new friends, and condemn his own comrades, you can listen in to his propaganda broadcasts, beamed worldwide thanks to Radio Moscow.

Other prisoners, who honorably refused to cooperate with the enemy, were beaten, starved and killed. Not “the songbird,” though. He was treated very well. Here is eyewitness testimony from one of his classmates at the naval academy, who became one of the other prisoners who was unfortunate enough to be incarcerated with him.

Doctors reported that John McCain actually gained weight while in the North Vietnamese prison camp.

John McCain was pardoned by President Richard M. Nixon for these capital offenses. Shortly after his disgraceful return to the U.S.A., he learned the fate of his own wife.

His wife: not Cindy, but his first wife, Carol.

The short version is that John McCain had married Carol before he was deployed to the ‘nam. When she saw him off, he said good bye to a stunningly beautiful swimsuit model. The very next winter, she suffered a horrible automobile accident. She spent over a year in rehab, while “songbird” was sucking the cocks of the North Vietnamese.

The Carol McCain that Johnboy saw on his return was disfigured, and in a wheelchair.

Like the trash-person he is, he immediately broke his most important promise, and began fucking the woman who is always put forward as Mrs. McCain: Cindy. He banged Cindy on the side for a while, and then frivolously divorced Carol, when it became convenient.

(yournewswire.com)

It is actually a matter of debate as to whether John’s divorce from Carol was final, when he wed Cindy. I can’t really condemn him for bigamy, given my own family history, but if true, this is just another example of the sort of chaos John McCain brought to everyone around him.

What sort of man was John McCain? He was a man who betrayed the enlisted boys under his command, running away like a bitch as they all burned to death in horrible agony, due to his recklessness. He then betrayed his country encouraging his captors to torture and kill more loyal prisoners, while he aided the enemy in creating propaganda. He finally betrayed the one person who ought to be more important than any of these other people, already killed and harmed: his own spouse.

There are people who have a legitimate reason to mourn this man’s death…

But I’m not among them, and you probably aren’t, either.

If we counted up all the people who died in Libya, in Iraq, in Vietnam, and in the United States, thanks to the hard work of this demon, we’d surely find that he was more destructive than Osama bin-Laden.

May the traitor be rapidly forgotten. May he remain unburied. May his grandchildren piss on his bones.

And, may his evil confederates meet the same just fate.

My daddy taught me many things, and one of his most enduring lessons was an appreciation for single-malt Scotch whiskey. Whiskey, he used to tell me, is a man’s drink. Thanks to him, I’ve never been caught in public, with a fruity concoction sporting an umbrella.

Whiskey used to be called aqua vitae: the water of life. These spirits originate with barley, a grain which was originally used to feed livestock. Human beings didn’t like it, until they figured out how to distill it. Now we love it.

Single malt refers to malting the barley, which is the process whereby the kernels are soaked until they germinate. When they are in the perfect stage of sprouting, they’re dried and killed off. The malting of the barley allows for some enzymatic changes in the seeds, which enhance the output of the distillery. Once the barley is malted and dried, the mash is made, and through natural processes, a carbohydrate-rich solution is allowed to ferment. A few months in, a filtering process is completed, and the solution is allowed to continue fermentation in casks made of Spanish Oak. Traditionally, these casks would have previously stored sherry wine.

After a minimum of three years, the casks are vented, and the solution is filtered at least one more time, before bottling. The color and flavor of Scotch is potentially complex, and Scotch aficionados rival wine-tasters for their appreciation.

If you want to embark upon the journey to an appreciation of single malt Scotch, know your definitions. There are “Scotch whiskey” varieties which are blends of single malt with Bourbon or other spirits. Johnny Walker is not single-malt, though it contains some single-malt. Suntory makes an excellent single malt whiskey which is not Scotch, but Japanese.

Beginners often enjoy Glenmorangie’s original. It’s a medium bodied Scotch, with hints of citrus and vanilla. My favorite is Oban 18, for its honey and caramel overtones. If you have expensive tastes, you can’t do better than 30-year old Macallan.

Ain’t she a looker? Here’s another pinup…

Never mind the forehead… How about the facial hair?

And now, an extra-special wedding story, which was originally posted to facebook. This may be the greatest thing I’ve read this month.

Edit: A statement from this bitch’s cousin is now online here.