To begin with, I’d like to sincerely thank our Comrade Soldier, Brother Jason, for sharing his story about overcoming addiction. Given that I could barely quit cigarettes, and still drink coffee, I’m always a bit awestruck at hearing such powerful testimony. Shades of Nietzsche’s superman peek through such tales.
I should also preface this by admitting that I don’t expect this article to get many hits. Some of you will probably feel offended. That’s fine.
One of the things addictions seem to do is to hollow out the addict’s psychic personality. The constructed subject, in itself, is transformed (often in a very short time) into a machine which has as its goal the procurement of the substance (or behavior) which is the focus of the addiction. All the other aspects of the subject — the things that once made him “him” — are more-or-less blunted to serve the fix, or transformed into means to this end.
Johnny Rotten eulogized his friend, British musician Sid Vicious, in the media. Sid died of a heroin overdose, a day after murdering his Jewish-American girlfriend in New York City. Johnny described Sid’s decline into murder and suicide as a complete transformation: “Once you start on that heroin trail… it’s gone… you just disappear.” (The Unseen Sid Vicious)
What is most interesting is that the same phenomenon seems to happen to many PUA types.
The first clue that this process is at work is an immediate willingness to destroy once close, meaningful social relationships. This is not the same process that single dudes complain about when a brother gets wed. We all know the story about the pal who gets married, and suddenly disappears from view. That’s not what’s happening here. In the first place, the newly married brother has a legitimate commitment to a wife, and is probably working on starting a family. PUA types have no such reasonable conflicts. The women they bang don’t generally want any commitment to a man. They just want to fuck. Fucking such women doesn’t entail long hours at work to save for junior’s private school tuition. Moreover, the meaningful social relationships that such men enjoyed prior to adopting the PUA lifestyle are often destroyed overtly, by antisocial and outrageous behavior. PUA types self-induce a psychic erasure, replacing their authentic personality with a bizarre collection of tics, sexual fetishes, and irregular grooming and dressing habits.
The second clue directly follows from the first. What psychic contents are left are entirely self-centered. PUA types seem to define themselves, far too often, by being as annoying an asshole as possible, despite the fact that this is contextually unnecessary. Before finding books by Tucker Max and Cernovich, many of my pals (and it was not just internet acquaintances – I had meatspace friends who went this route) were on their way to moderately successful careers and had already begun establishing stable lives. After adopting their PUA personae, they generally lost interest in doing interesting stuff, and preferred to slack off, making “being a PUA” their one obvious goal in life. They still made enough money to buy fuzzy hats and get manicured fingernails, but all their higher aspirations seemed to go down the toilet.
In an essay, Jack Donovan defines the “metrosexual” PUA as “a “mirror man” whose highest narcissistic concerns are pleasure-seeking and being regarded as “desirable.” He may be in love with himself, but that, too, is a shallow kind of love. He cares more about how he looks and how well he fucks than what he has achieved or how well he is respected.” (Everyone A Harlot)
Now, the PUA will rebut these observations by claiming that their lifestyle has “liberated” the men who embrace it to build an authentic identity. The opposite is actually true. An authentic personality is socially constructed, and is based upon meaningful interpersonal relationships and ties to community. The PUA lifestyle does not allow for an authentic personality. It obliterates it.
It’s funny because it’s true.
A lot of professional PUA’s who follow that lifestyle to the end and pull through, do indeed form new personalities. A lot of them get married and settle down, quite happy that their roaming days are over. Yes, it’s fair to compare PUArtisry to an addction.
Another bad consequence of promiscuity (this time on the male side) that you never hear about in ‘sex ed’.
You don’t even need to be a PUA to notice this…the two biggest effects I always noticed with my personal sexual sins were
1) I was a bigger jerk to people
2) I was less ambitious and had much less energy
The brothers need to know this…fornication, jerking off, pron, and the like will produce negative consequences for men spiritually.
I’ve noticed PUA’s tend to have an ‘ego’ the size of God…..and I guess when a man feels, thinks, or believes he has been put down enough, he’ll learn this lifestyle….come back and tell you he’s everything.
With drug use in gneral…..especially with LSD……it tends to rip your ego to shreds.
Many former PUA’s (those who were successful and those who were not) usually work through it and come to the conclusion of “yeah, I get it…………but people are more complex than a math formula” and on the other side with former addicts……….”Yeah, saw life and reality from a different perspective….but it’s a mad house”
Both lifestyles end up at the same dead end with an attitude of “I just ended up wasting a lot of time”
Perhaps that is where “God” comes in, or a focus on really being a good husband or father………finding a career that really fulfills you (whatever it is), or as American ‘Yankee’ poet Robert Frost once said “We like the things we like for what they are”
Really good write up Boxer
Since almost all of my experience (re: pua) was in a career pursuit of flying airplanes .. this is what I observed.
Disclaimer .. No womminz would affect my career / passion (i.e. flying).
My routine was work (e.g. lots of long hours) .. always be scouting new talent .. exercise .. night-life .. up 22+ hours a day to get it all done.
[Now sleep has become my best friend.]
I think drugs intensify personalities. But .. anaddiction dominates your life / personality. I guess I never felt anything other than my career dominate my life. The other parts were ancillary to it .. or so I thought. I did have an image to up-hold (i.e. being a pilot).
There are 10 plus fudge factors (honest to dishonest grey-zone buffers) .. “Everyone else is doing it” .. “I ain’t hurting nobody” .. yep & yep .. When I stopped flying for a living .. it’s funny how I gave up the other parts of its effects over me.
Today .. with some separation from flying for a living (i.e. my drug) .. I can see it clearly now.
Dang .. airplanes are like drugs .. heh
Jason sez ..
This perfectly describes my regret.
1) I didn’t need to have a womminz but everyone else was doing it (spinning plates / upholding stero-types; e.g. being a single pilot) .. so I did it too.
2) We can’t get wasted time back. I could’ve spent it more productively. Like I do now. I still never have enough time in the day.
And as men get older we hold “time” as our primary resource. We only have so much of it left and we guard & restrict it to only things that bring value to our lives.
Like right now .. I’m thinking of hiring a laundry service. I make more than a grown man needs .. & my time is worth more than finishing up laundry every saturday morning. I could’ve already rode 35 miles or went on my 5 mile ruck (aka hiking with 45+ pounds of ruck-sack).
May contain language unsuitable for snowflakes .. or anyone else who is easily triggered.
After my drug addiction………things actually got worse for a bit. I had a massive pile of debt to clear up…..ruined credit, the realization of what a “turd” I was to people. I burned so many bridges, the only work I could find in thise early days of sobriety was retail (worked in a skate shop and did a year stint at 7-11). All the anger came out too………the rage……at myself mostly for all the bad choices I made……but I did stay clean / sober….and slowly crawled my way back to the land of the living.
Today I have no debt. A stable, but low paying job………thus shutting me out from the dating world………..but I do have time to do the things I like doing. My record collection………restoring and repairing vintage audio equipment from the sixties and early seventies……hiking and backpacking (oh….that three weeks this past June was perfect…….at this point that is the last memory I will take with me when I breathe my last).
A ot of folks do relapse I personally believe for not weakness per say….but frustration. The impossible hole you seem to be in is overwhelming. Everything in reality seems to hit you at once. It seems almost the impossible task….but like His prayer tells us “to give us THIS day” and “step by step” in NA. Heck….a victory for me one week was having extra money to actually have a supply of toilet paper in the apartment again……………….
Another addiction / compulsion I have (besides cafe-fean) .. is comic strips .. I always started my day with the comic strips in the newspapers.
https://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/01/31/opinion/sunday/mort-walker-historian-comics.html?action=click&module=MoreInSection&pgtype=Article®ion=Footer&contentCollection=Sunday%20Review
A lot of’em (re: creators) are now dead.
Now my day starts with a large glass of water .. then comic strips (online) & then my coffee. Some habits / compulsions / addictions become ingrained behavior .. and reflect our personality through routines.
So .. not all addictions / compulsions have a negative impact .. got get one positive in today .. heh.
Agreed .. if they were using to escape reality .. think of the compounding interest that you feel when you get sober and reality has been waiting for your return.
I believe it is impossible without God when recovery / no-relapse is the goal.
Jason .. you did good bro.
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I know addiction to drugs / alcohol .. I’ve had family go through it .. helping them was as tough on me as anything else I’ve been through. I’m glad she got sober & stayed sober .. I know it was a daily challenge for my maternal grand-mother .. but it was worth it for the grand-kids. Depression is a horrible thing to witness & live.